Love, Obsession, Catharsis, Forgiveness
Right now the primary objective is getting this Nellie thing out of my system once and for all.
It's been three years and eight months since I met her in May of 2002. I think I fell in love with her immediately.
We dated for fourteen months, and broke up in June of 2003.
We continued to see each other for another six months, albeit against her will and not as an "official" couple; during this time I struggled with knowing she didn't, and wouldn't, love me.
So I took a job at Rock City, where she worked as secretary. I did this so I could be near her. I kept thinking she might fall in love with me, if I kept trying. In hindsight, I was never more pathetic than I was then. I had no car; I had to hitchhike up Lookout Mountain to get to work. I swept the trail and occasionaly came to her office to carry out the trash. I stood in the freezing rain with a flashlight to direct traffic. I was pathetic. But I wanted to be near her, and I thought she might love me.
In February of 2004, I moved to Xenia, Ohio, to live with my sister and her daughter. Nellie and I talked almost every day on-line, and every night over the phone, for the next four months. It was difficult, and I knew the distance would eventually put a strain on whatever relationship we had left.
In May, I returned to Tennessee to see her; and once again in July for her brother's wedding. That was the last time I saw her in the flesh.
We continued our phone conversations and on-line correspondence for another three months, but those were some pretty rough weeks for me. I became so lovesick that I couldn't think straight. I desperately wanted her to love me, but it was impossible, and I couldn't accept it.
I was so blindly in love with her that I refused to see my own shortcomings. I refused to see anything but her. I built up this elaborate fantasy world around her; I envisioned her as a goddess, a force of love and beauty. As silly as this sounds, I really did do this.
In time she became an idol of worship for me, and it turned out it wasn't HER I loved (although I could still argue to this day that it was), but my CONCEPT of her. My fantasy of her became so real it replaced reality. I honestly believed I could wish her love into existence; that she HAD to love me because my mind couldn't conceive of a life without her. And what my mind couldn't conceive, it couldn't believe.
Although we've been broken up for a year and 8 months, I still think about her every day. I've become so obsessed with her, with my memories of her, that it feels like my mind isn't my own anymore. I can't control it, I can't tell myself, "Stop thinking about her!" Because no matter how hard I try to ignore them, the memories keep coming back.
And the thing is, these memories probably aren't true, exact representations of past events. They're more like little rose-colored movies in my mind, normal every day trivialities that I've somehow infused with huge amounts of emotion. Just thinking about her apartment, for example, inexplicably sends me into a tailspin of melancholic longing.
I think it's difficult for me to get over her because she did, in fact, embody all of the qualities I look for in a mate. Whether or not I exaggerated her qualities inside my head doesn't matter. These are facts: she was beautiful, extremely beautiful, and just as smart. She was kind, compassionate, and most of all, patient. She never said a mean or hurtful thing to anybody. She wasn't spiteful, jealous, or vindictive. She was attentive. She knew how to cook. She could kiss EXTREMELY well. She read all the right books, listened to all the right music, liked all the right movies. And yet she always had an opinion of her own. She was modest, but she could be sexy and seductive -- or even punk -- when she wanted to. There were times when she could drink me under the table. Not only did she let me smoke in her apartment, but she even puffed a few with me. But most important of all, she was a Christian. The truest kind of Christian, the kind who looked past my faults and still saw something likeable, maybe even attractive, about me.
So here I am, and apparently I've found the woman of my dreams. But she ISN'T the one; that's painfully obvious. Here I had everything I'd been looking for, but it wasn't for me. Letting go of what, to me, is perfection, is hard... very hard. Accepting the fact that she belongs to someone else is even harder... almost impossible.
What makes things even more frustrating and embarrasing is the fact that I'm the pathetic loser who keeps doting on his ex-girlfriend. I'm like Adam Sandler in that SNL sketch where he hosts a show about his ex-girlfriend, and he has this segment where he calls her, listens to her say hello, then hangs up.
And the fact that I'm sharing this with the public would probably enfuriate her. Yes, some things are private, but I'm a writer; at least, I want to be a writer. And as such... I want to be read. To me everything is a dramatic epic, and I need some validation. And some catharsis.
To be totally honest, I started this blog secretly hoping she would accidently stumble upon it, read it, change her mind, and fall in love with me. If she ever did find this, though, it would probably do the exact opposite. Maybe it's this strange subconscious dichotomy that fuels my posts. I have to admit, it's not a very healthy reason to maintain a blog.
Therefore, some changes are needed.
I speak of revival lately. I've become aware that the reason why I'm obsessed with her is because I've LET myself become obsessed. I latched onto something physical, something that epitomized physical perfection, and I made it my idol. I made it my god. My whole life revolved around being with her, around pleasing her, around appeasing her and making her happy. I ignored myself to the extent that I eventually lost myself, which is why I probably lost her. What woman wants a man who has no identity outside of her?
I thought she was a gift from God, when in fact she was more like a tool He used to show me how easy it is to love something more than Him. This severely limits His effectiveness in making my life complete, and until now I've never really accepted that, or even understood it. I wanted her, not God. But God wanted me to want Him. So He allowed what I wanted to be taken away, to teach me a much needed lesson.
I still have a lot of resentment and bitterness in my heart towards Nellie, which makes it hard to let go (that would mean letting go COMPLETELY), but I feel the stirrings of something working inside my heart, helping me. Hopefully, with prayer and understanding, I can turn it into forgiveness, and the desire for forgiveness... from God AND Nellie.
It's been three years and eight months since I met her in May of 2002. I think I fell in love with her immediately.
We dated for fourteen months, and broke up in June of 2003.
We continued to see each other for another six months, albeit against her will and not as an "official" couple; during this time I struggled with knowing she didn't, and wouldn't, love me.
So I took a job at Rock City, where she worked as secretary. I did this so I could be near her. I kept thinking she might fall in love with me, if I kept trying. In hindsight, I was never more pathetic than I was then. I had no car; I had to hitchhike up Lookout Mountain to get to work. I swept the trail and occasionaly came to her office to carry out the trash. I stood in the freezing rain with a flashlight to direct traffic. I was pathetic. But I wanted to be near her, and I thought she might love me.
In February of 2004, I moved to Xenia, Ohio, to live with my sister and her daughter. Nellie and I talked almost every day on-line, and every night over the phone, for the next four months. It was difficult, and I knew the distance would eventually put a strain on whatever relationship we had left.
In May, I returned to Tennessee to see her; and once again in July for her brother's wedding. That was the last time I saw her in the flesh.
We continued our phone conversations and on-line correspondence for another three months, but those were some pretty rough weeks for me. I became so lovesick that I couldn't think straight. I desperately wanted her to love me, but it was impossible, and I couldn't accept it.
I was so blindly in love with her that I refused to see my own shortcomings. I refused to see anything but her. I built up this elaborate fantasy world around her; I envisioned her as a goddess, a force of love and beauty. As silly as this sounds, I really did do this.
In time she became an idol of worship for me, and it turned out it wasn't HER I loved (although I could still argue to this day that it was), but my CONCEPT of her. My fantasy of her became so real it replaced reality. I honestly believed I could wish her love into existence; that she HAD to love me because my mind couldn't conceive of a life without her. And what my mind couldn't conceive, it couldn't believe.
Although we've been broken up for a year and 8 months, I still think about her every day. I've become so obsessed with her, with my memories of her, that it feels like my mind isn't my own anymore. I can't control it, I can't tell myself, "Stop thinking about her!" Because no matter how hard I try to ignore them, the memories keep coming back.
And the thing is, these memories probably aren't true, exact representations of past events. They're more like little rose-colored movies in my mind, normal every day trivialities that I've somehow infused with huge amounts of emotion. Just thinking about her apartment, for example, inexplicably sends me into a tailspin of melancholic longing.
I think it's difficult for me to get over her because she did, in fact, embody all of the qualities I look for in a mate. Whether or not I exaggerated her qualities inside my head doesn't matter. These are facts: she was beautiful, extremely beautiful, and just as smart. She was kind, compassionate, and most of all, patient. She never said a mean or hurtful thing to anybody. She wasn't spiteful, jealous, or vindictive. She was attentive. She knew how to cook. She could kiss EXTREMELY well. She read all the right books, listened to all the right music, liked all the right movies. And yet she always had an opinion of her own. She was modest, but she could be sexy and seductive -- or even punk -- when she wanted to. There were times when she could drink me under the table. Not only did she let me smoke in her apartment, but she even puffed a few with me. But most important of all, she was a Christian. The truest kind of Christian, the kind who looked past my faults and still saw something likeable, maybe even attractive, about me.
So here I am, and apparently I've found the woman of my dreams. But she ISN'T the one; that's painfully obvious. Here I had everything I'd been looking for, but it wasn't for me. Letting go of what, to me, is perfection, is hard... very hard. Accepting the fact that she belongs to someone else is even harder... almost impossible.
What makes things even more frustrating and embarrasing is the fact that I'm the pathetic loser who keeps doting on his ex-girlfriend. I'm like Adam Sandler in that SNL sketch where he hosts a show about his ex-girlfriend, and he has this segment where he calls her, listens to her say hello, then hangs up.
And the fact that I'm sharing this with the public would probably enfuriate her. Yes, some things are private, but I'm a writer; at least, I want to be a writer. And as such... I want to be read. To me everything is a dramatic epic, and I need some validation. And some catharsis.
To be totally honest, I started this blog secretly hoping she would accidently stumble upon it, read it, change her mind, and fall in love with me. If she ever did find this, though, it would probably do the exact opposite. Maybe it's this strange subconscious dichotomy that fuels my posts. I have to admit, it's not a very healthy reason to maintain a blog.
Therefore, some changes are needed.
I speak of revival lately. I've become aware that the reason why I'm obsessed with her is because I've LET myself become obsessed. I latched onto something physical, something that epitomized physical perfection, and I made it my idol. I made it my god. My whole life revolved around being with her, around pleasing her, around appeasing her and making her happy. I ignored myself to the extent that I eventually lost myself, which is why I probably lost her. What woman wants a man who has no identity outside of her?
I thought she was a gift from God, when in fact she was more like a tool He used to show me how easy it is to love something more than Him. This severely limits His effectiveness in making my life complete, and until now I've never really accepted that, or even understood it. I wanted her, not God. But God wanted me to want Him. So He allowed what I wanted to be taken away, to teach me a much needed lesson.
I still have a lot of resentment and bitterness in my heart towards Nellie, which makes it hard to let go (that would mean letting go COMPLETELY), but I feel the stirrings of something working inside my heart, helping me. Hopefully, with prayer and understanding, I can turn it into forgiveness, and the desire for forgiveness... from God AND Nellie.
posted by Billy at 2:16 PM
2 Comments:
good thoughts, brother... I recognize many of those same tendancies in myself. It's hard to let go!
I don't want to be like an idiot and say "I know how you feel," because I truly don't. But I think I can empathize with you to a certain extent. Sometimes I still can't shake the memories and pseudo/quasi-memories of the ladies that I've loved in the past.
Yeah, I like to use big words, too.
peace, brock76
I am a complete stranger who did a search on love or obsession on yahoo and found your website. I am not sure if you will mind me posting something here or not, but here goes. I felt as though I was reading a parallel universe. I am a girl though. I had the same love or obsession for a guy over the past two years. We broke up Sept 04 and I can't get him out of my head. I keep thinking I am going crazy. I am glad to hear I am not alone. The one question I have is, if these people we loved are so wonderful why did they stick around in our lives for so long? If they didn't love us, why did they not just leave us and let us go? If I knew someone loved me this much and I did not feel the same way I would think leaving them alone would be the best thing to do. My ex will keep calling me and seeing me as long as I do, but he won't love me. It sounds like Nellie did the same thing to you for awhile. It is kind of cruel. Anyway, I am trying different things to get over my obsession. I am trying to consume my time with everything and anything else. Your post was back in January and I am wondering how you are doing now in June.
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