Wednesday, November 23, 2005

My Farm Girl

It's snowing outside, almost two inches already, and I'm staring at the screen wondering if this blog is dead. I just can't summon the drive to churn out posts like I used to.

Right now the only thing I can think about is my up-coming vacation to Tennessee, in January. It's been almost a year and a half since I've been to Dayton, the town I consider home. That's much, much too long. It also happens that my time in Tennessee coincides with my best friend Adam's vacation, so he'll be there as well. And with Claudine back home from L.A., the gang will be complete. It'll be just like old times...

Now that I'm twenty-six and single, I find that I cling to these notions of "old times" rather than looking ahead to the future. I'm so caught up in memories of growing up that I regard the future with bitter, almost resentful skepticism. That is not a beneficial way of looking at things.

What else can explain my endless homesickness for all things Tennessee? Or these dreams of one day owning some land in the Frazier area, with a logwood cabin, a wrap-around porch, and a rocking chair that I can sit in while sipping Jack Daniels and watching the sun set? Or hoping to find a woman who will actually follow me there, and stay.

It would explain why it's been difficult for me to make lasting friendships here. My body's in Ohio but my heart and head are still in Tennessee. I'm hyper-critical of everyone I meet, comparing them all to my friends back home. Nonetheless, I've managed to make a few solid friendships here, and I credit them with keeping me from going insane from loneliness.

It might also partially explain my being single. Deep down I know that I won't stay in Ohio forever, and I plan on moving back to Tennessee someday. I'm afraid of meeting a girl who might either make me change my mind or keep me away from moving home. The longer I stay in Ohio because of a girl, the longer I'm away from Tennessee. That can't happen. So I don't let it.

There's really nothing wrong with Ohio. It's pretty nice. The people are friendly. The problem is in my head; I'm emotionally stuck in one place and time, and anywhere else is unbearably uncomfortable for me. It can't explain it; I can't make it go away. I guess some people are more prone to nostalgia than others. Maybe those who regret they didn't do more. Or maybe those who did so much that when things just kinda petered out, they were left hanging. I don't know.

One thing's for sure, I wish I could find a girl like my Farm Girl and take her back to Tennessee to live with me forever... in my logwood home, with a fireplace, some whiskey on the rocks, and a huge stereo playing Patsy Cline...

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